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I am fat.

Capital F-A-T FAT.

I think I had an extra-fat-feeling long weekend. It all started with a girl’s night with friends from my youth group. Dinner was pizza. I had a slice of buffalo chicken and a slice of pepperoni. Then, for dessert, I had some Cookie Dough, Cookies ‘n’ Cream, and chocolate ice cream topped with some chocolate chip cookie pieces, a heart-shaped chocolate chip cookie, whipped cream, and plenty of the most awesomely wonderful homemade caramel sauce. I also ate several cheesecake-filled strawberries. Oh, and we can’t forget the chips and salsa and chocolate pudding.

Breakfast was even more amazing taste-wise (and, naturally, worse nutrition-wise). Homemade cinnamon rolls, an egg bake, french toast casserole with syrup, a fruit platter (I had seconds on fruit), regular bacon, and turkey bacon.

Oh, and let’s not even talk about how many sweets I’ve eaten lately between helping a friend at a flea market last Saturday (the 12th), a bake sale after church yesterday, and everything in between. Between yesterday and today, I’ve eaten 8.5 cupcakes (1.5 chocolate peanut butter, 2 cookies and cream, 2 vanilla, 1 red velvet 2 salted caramel) and some pretty amazing chocolate spice cake. Oh, plus a little bit of a Snickerdoodle, some Rice Krispy Treats made with Lucky Charms AND Rice Krispies, and about half of a medium cherry-dipped cone from Dairy Queen. Add that to the sweets for breakfast on Saturday; the dessert on Friday; the abundance of candy, donuts, muffins, cake, cookies, etc given out for Teacher Appreciation Week; the cupcakes I bought and ate last week (only 2!); and the various desserts I’ve eaten for no real reason, I’m surprised I’m not fully diabetic by now. In fact, there’s enough sugar mentioned in this paragraph alone, I wouldn’t be surprised if just READING this causes a huge spike in your blood sugar.

It’s actually quite nauseating when I think about how poorly I’ve been eating lately.

However, it’s not what I’m eating that makes me feel so gigantic. It’s my worst enemy: shopping.

On Saturday, my friends and I went to an outlet mall. I was downright miserable there. To start, I’m generally not much for shopping. When shopping with a group of the most beautiful young ladies I know, however, my generally-low self-esteem plummets down into the deepest, darkest pit. I saw plenty of clothes I thought looked nice, but the first though that came into mind with every outfit was that I was “too fat.”

Then, I had a breakthrough (naturally, it was the day after the trip that it happened). One of the local malls has a fancy-shmancy Me-Ality kiosks. Supposedly, it scans you and then gives you a print-out of the different brands/sizes of clothes that will fit you best. It’s a good idea in theory, but it turns out that it only “works” for jeans right now. Still, I realized yesterday that I should have tried out the machine before my shopping trip. Nevertheless, I decided to give it a shot today.

Out of all the stores at the mall, it only gave me one result: a particular pair of pants from Lane Bryant. Now, I’ve purchased plenty of plus-sized clothing items before, but they’ve all been tops. I have always been too small to fit into jeans at a plus-size store.

The jeans they suggested didn’t fit. In fact, they were too (do I dare say it?) SMALL. Now, they did button. However, my massive amount of flab pushed the zipper down.

I walked out the dressing room and joked to Alex that I wanted to go eat. The truth? I wasn’t sure if I ever wanted to eat again… ever. That was a frightening moment. I’m one  of those people who gets genuinely sad when I’m not hungry. (Which is clearly a problem. I tend to only stop eating when I’ve eaten beyond my physical capacity. Yes, I eat until I feel sick quite frequently).

You’d think that after the realization that I’ve been eating crap for weeks (although,    I’ve had a few decent meals among the junk… like the shrimp rolls and Pho I had for Mir’s 21st Birthday),  I would be motivated to throw on my sneakers and exercise for hours.

But I’m not.

My motivation has completely dwindled away. Perhaps, I’m searching too hard for a “diet” that fits who I already am. I want a perfect match that requires little to no effort. Such a diet plan may not exist. As hard as it is to accept, eating a few more fruits and veggies, getting in 10,000 steps a day, and drinking only water, unsweetened tea, and the occasional vanilla soy milk (or unsweetened almond milk, etc) isn’t going to make an ounce of difference for me.

Not too long ago, I ordered The Jillian Michael’s Body Revolution. I did it for about two days. Then, I had an unusually long day at work. On this particular day, I worked about 9.5 hours or so without eating a thing- followed by a Bible study. I was too tired and hungry to even think about working out- especially with Jillian Michaels. Unfortunately, that was followed by an on-and off cough/chest cold- one that is made worse by things like exercise that raises my heart rate. I had a little relief from the cough when I was recovering from an ankle injury.

Excuses. Excuses. Excuses.

I know they’re all excuses. I know I don’t need to do some extreme workout program. I should do at least something until I’m physically ready to take on a bigger challenge.

It’s almost the end of May. June is fast approaching, and then July. I don’t want to have to hide myself at the beach (and be completely awkward and miserable at the same time).

But maybe “little” changes are what I need right now. I’ve become a bit adventurous with my food choices compared to where I was before. Actually, one of my favorite snacks include grape tomatoes and bananas (with maple almond butter). Tomatoes and bananas were on  my “most hated” food list previously.

Am I stubborn? Impatient?

Should I just suck it up and give up my usual routines/habits/lifestyle and completely overhaul my entire life to lose weight- even if it means giving up things like late night dinners at the diner with my friends, etc?

Or can making small changes like eating something for breakfast in the morning, walking a bit more each day, snacking on veggies and yogurt dip, and ordering fruit instead of fries be enough- for now (oh, and cutting back on the sweets I eat on a daily basis)?

I’m not sure anymore.

I just know that I’m sick of being fat.